(no subject)

Goddamn everything. And everyone. I am tired. But I am still awake. I laid in bed for awhile, I don't know for how long. But I am back here, and I am lonely. May could have something to do with VB and her shots. Of course I was only supposed to keep track, not participate. But whatever. I keep biting on my tongue because there is some cut on it that hurts. It hurts when I bite on it, but in a weird pleasurable way. Yeah, I'm a freak. Whatever. I wish I could bite the end of my tongue off. It hurts. And I hurt, and I wish I had something to show for that. Isn't it odd that people feel they need something to show for their pain? The pain isn't enough; they need something tangible. Like a bruise. Or a scar. Isn't it strange how the mind works in some of us? And isn't it strange that we should share that with virtual strangers?

(no subject)

I'm watching the memorial service at St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City. I have never been a big church goer, but when I do go, I always leave feeling calm and meditative. I love the Catholic Mass. I love that it never changes. Always the same prayers and responses. And I love how silent the church is, even as people are coming in before mass starts, and as they leave.

I love that I was raised Catholic and got the chance to go to Catholic school for a few years. I haven't been confirmed yet, though. I chose not to be. I didn't (and still don't) feel like my faith is strong enough. I believe that there is a higher power, but sometimes I feel like I believe it because it's what I have always been told. And sometimes I feel like I believe because I just couldn't stand to think there isn't a bigger point to everything. I'd like to think at the end there might be some answers.